49. Attachment Style…It Makes You Feel Some Type of Way
“I just cannot rationalize my emotions away. Like I have no control over my emotions and they take over my life.” - Angie
”Well, the emotions are not logical, so you can’t rationalize something that’s... not logical.” - Kristy”
What is your attachment style? Have you always wanted to do one but not sure how it’ll go? We’ll we do the quiz and narrate as we go and share some of our childhood memories and…well the answer may surprised you! Angie how understanding attachment helped in her current relationship and Kristy gives us a relationship update. As always, we discuss some deep shit.
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Transcript
HEADS UP: We use AI to help us transcribe so we can spend more time on the podcast. The transcription is not perfect. Please forgive any typos.
Angie Yu: 0:00
if this quiz exists and everyone's, you know, within these categories, it means that everyone is some, a little bit of fucked up. Welcome back to another episode of shit. We don't tell mom, this is Angie.
Kristy Yee: 0:36
This is Kristy.
Angie Yu: 0:38
So today we are recording blind. So what that means is Christy. And I can't see each other. we have our audio on Christy is very sad. Christy right now is in Toronto and I haven't moved anywhere. I'm still in Vancouver. Christy is gonna go on her road trip very soon. So she's gonna be in Newfoundland for two weeks and then she's gonna be living out of her car for four weeks after that.
Kristy Yee: 0:59
Woo.
Angie Yu: 0:59
gonna be interesting.
Kristy Yee: 1:00
So the next time y'all hear us after today's episode, I could be in a different city. Who knows? We have no idea. It'll be an adventure.
Angie Yu: 1:12
There are not that many Chinese Canadian podcasts. You never know. Maybe, maybe there's somebody in Saskatoon who wants to reconnect with their identity and they listen to our podcast.
Kristy Yee: 1:20
Hey, if you're listening to this right now and you're from Saskatoon, please send us a message DMS on Instagram. I want to know. Okay. So today we're gonna be talking about attachment style, which is something that I have no idea about, but apparently Angie has so please, please enlighten us a bit more.
Angie Yu: 1:40
Okay. So I guess I do know about it quite a bit, where enough that it had helped me. So the attachment, like what is attachment? Before it actually was incorporated into, relationships for adults, the attachment theory applies to children and it's about how children, react to attachment to their parents or their, whoever is raising them. And I remember I was reading there, there was a clinical practice kind of thing to. Like a study kind of. And, basically how they did it was that they brought a mom and child into like a little playroom and the child in question would be playing then they would get the mom to leave. And then they would observe what happens. So then they would notice that anxious children, as soon as the mom left, they would start crying. They would start reacting essentially because they felt insecure without their mom being there. And then you had, children who continued playing when their mother left and when the mother came back, they still continued playing. So to them, the absence of their mother did. trigger any sort of emotional response. And
Kristy Yee: 2:56
was like, bye mom, whatever.
Angie Yu: 2:57
They felt secure knowing that mom was gonna come back
Kristy Yee: 3:00
Yeah.
Angie Yu: 3:01
essentially. And the third kind was that, the mom would left the kid wouldn't really have a reaction, but when they came, when the mother came back in, the kid started ignoring. Like wanted nothing to do with the mom. And that was the avoidant behavior.
Kristy Yee: 3:17
Okay.
Angie Yu: 3:17
That's how this like whole attachment theory kind of. Kicked off, I've read in the book they always refer to this study. So the book that I have read is called attached. That's just the name, attached the new science. Of adult attachment and how it can help you find and keep love.
Kristy Yee: 3:40
Okay. So it sounds like this attachment style or this attachment theory originated from a study about, children and their relat. With their parents or their attachment style with their parents. And then over time, this theory has been adapted to how people are attached in romantic relationships. Is it just romantic relationships or is it also like any relationship or platonic relationship or yeah. Or any relationship?
Angie Yu: 4:09
I think it's any, it applies to any relationship, but I think it does apply more to relationships that involve more emotions. So usually that's like a romantic relationship or like parental relationships because there can be so much stuff there.
Kristy Yee: 4:24
Okay. Okay. See, when you, okay. So, because I have no idea what this, you know, attachment style is, or the theories behind it, or a history, when you first said that it came from a study about parental relationships. The first thing I thought it was like, oh my gosh, I wonder, you know, what sort of differences there would be between a child who have experienced trauma. Or is currently experiencing trauma compared to someone maybe who had less of that experience. And I wonder if there's any differences between their attachment. I'm sure there is. Right. But I, you know, it makes me think about if there were other studies that looked into that and, and do they evolve as people grow up? Do they change or are you kind of stuck with the attachment style that you had as a child? And you bring that with you into adulthood? Does the book say anything about.
Angie Yu: 5:16
Yes, those are great questions because I asked myself the exact same questions. And from the readings that I've done in the book and in articles, yes, it can change. Definitely can change. When I first got exposed to it, it's like, well, like, oh shit, I'm this style. What if I don't wanna beat this style? But it's like, Hey, you can change it.
Kristy Yee: 5:37
So now we're, now we're all just sitting here now. We're all just sitting here, like thinking about, Hmm. Like what is my attachment style? I wonder who, what kind of attachment style I had when I was a kid and what am I like now? You know, I mean, I can't speak for everyone, but that's exactly what I'm thinking about right now.
Angie Yu: 5:52
Yeah. So you should, you should do a quiz.
Kristy Yee: 5:54
So that's what we're gonna be doing today.
Angie Yu: 5:55
Okay. Yeah, let's do a.
Kristy Yee: 5:57
Okay. So, so there's this quiz online where you can find out your attachment style. We will drop the link in the episode, show notes, and we're now gonna do, I mean, and Jay, have you done the quiz before? I feel like you, yeah, you probably would have, since you have the book and you've read into this,
Angie Yu: 6:15
Oh
Kristy Yee: 6:15
have you, how many times have you done it? Briggs, like, you know, like once a year.
Angie Yu: 6:20
I did it twice when I first became exposed to it. And that's just because there's so many different, like websites that offer the quiz that I wasn't sure, like if they would vary. So I did two that I found online and they both said the same things. So I was like, all right.
Kristy Yee: 6:35
Hmm.
Angie Yu: 6:36
and
Kristy Yee: 6:37
like kind of back to back, like around the same timeframe, just to see if there's consistent results.
Angie Yu: 6:43
That's right. Yeah. And now I, and there's one in the book as well. I did that one in the book too, but that one wasn't as fun. Cuz you gotta like write down the number. I think I'll add up all the
Kristy Yee: 6:51
Ooh, I don't wanna do work. I want shit to be automatic.
Angie Yu: 6:55
Yeah. That's why the online
Kristy Yee: 6:56
kind of a world? Yeah. This come
Angie Yu: 6:57
well, what, how do you think they're do a quiz? If it's in a book,
Kristy Yee: 7:01
Well,
Angie Yu: 7:01
it.
Kristy Yee: 7:02
no, because like, okay. Remember those teen magazines. When
Angie Yu: 7:05
I was just gonna say team magazine.
Kristy Yee: 7:07
I didn't have to do fucking wait. Did I do math?
Angie Yu: 7:10
Yeah, because you would have to like, circle a, B or C and then at the bottom, be like, okay, if you circled this many A's or this many B's, then this is where you are. So yes, you did have to do a little bit of math and it's not even math. Okay. That's accounting. That's not actually math. But anyway,
Kristy Yee: 7:28
when was the last time you took this quiz? Cause I'd
Angie Yu: 7:30
a year and a half ago.
Kristy Yee: 7:32
Okay. A year and a half. I think that's a pretty decent ish time. I'd be curious to see if your results have changed. Do you remember your first results?
Angie Yu: 7:41
Oh, yeah. Oh, definitely. Yeah. I'm curious if it'll change as well. Let me just, send you the link.
Kristy Yee: 7:50
Okay. So it looks like there are four different attachment styles. Is that right?
Angie Yu: 7:55
I think there are some people who like to cuz you know, with things it's hard to categorize everybody into like a handful of things. But I would say in general, from all my readings, there's four of.
Kristy Yee: 8:05
Okay. So let's just go with a general and we're gonna go with what this quiz says. So there is four different attachment styles. There's secure, there's anxious, avoidant, and disorganized. Can you, can you do a combo? Like, can you be like half of this and half of that, or do they give you a percentage of each of the four categories?
Angie Yu: 8:27
I don't
Kristy Yee: 8:27
are you just like, you are in this box?
Angie Yu: 8:30
I think it's you are
Kristy Yee: 8:31
you are okay.
Angie Yu: 8:33
Yeah, I think, yeah. I think it's like, you're in this one. You and it's not BEC and it's not like everyone in Kor has, is a hundred percent G door, but that's what you are mostly
Kristy Yee: 8:42
But like you're, if you're gonna be in that house, you're gonna be in that house.
Angie Yu: 8:45
that's right. Well, but you can change, right.
Kristy Yee: 8:49
not after you got no, you, I mean, you can change, you can choose which house you want to be in before you get placed. But once you're placed, you're placed.
Angie Yu: 9:00
Yeah, but what I mean is once you've been identified as an attachment style, you can make efforts to improve
Kristy Yee: 9:05
Oh, I see. I see. Okay. Okay. I'm already stuck in the first question because it asks you, am I single or am I in a relationship?
Angie Yu: 9:17
Oh, man.
Kristy Yee: 9:19
Wow. This is gonna be a, this is gonna be harder than I thought.
Angie Yu: 9:22
Okay. Well,
Kristy Yee: 9:23
You know, I'm not OK. I, I picked an answer, but I'm not gonna share it the folks. Woo. Maybe I'll share it afterwards. Okay. Maybe,
Angie Yu: 9:32
How old are you? Okay, how old are
Kristy Yee: 9:35
Well, yeah,
Angie Yu: 9:36
It's we're not even, we're not even in the first three drop down. We're at the back of the drop down.
Kristy Yee: 9:42
We're we're at the latter half of the, options.
Angie Yu: 9:46
half. Yeah. Cause we're over the hill. Oh boy.
Kristy Yee: 9:52
I thought you were gonna have troubles trying to pick an age category. I'm like, yo, that's a, that's a, quite an absolute value. Shouldn't
Angie Yu: 9:58
Yeah. That's why it's like, kind of heartbreaking, cuz that's something you cannot change.
Kristy Yee: 10:04
But how you feel about it is something that you
Angie Yu: 10:08
true. I feel
Kristy Yee: 10:09
That's modifiable
Angie Yu: 10:11
Yeah. Okay.
Kristy Yee: 10:12
be whatever age you want. Okay. Now I have to do some reading. So now we're gonna do some post production magic and we'll come back to our results.
Angie Yu: 10:23
Dun How do you perceive the following?
Kristy Yee: 10:30
Hold on. I have a question already. says Oh my God. Okay. I just wanna confirm, okay. It says like base your answers from your earliest childhood memory. Yeah. So I have to like, Be as young as I can. And then answer these questions. Not based off of who I am right now,
Angie Yu: 10:57
Yeah,
Kristy Yee: 10:57
then how, how is your like answers going to change? Because your past is always gonna stay the same.
Angie Yu: 11:04
Well, this is just this part. This is early
Kristy Yee: 11:06
is, this is just question one.
Angie Yu: 11:08
this is question
Kristy Yee: 11:08
Got it. I got
Angie Yu: 11:09
overthink. This literally says, literally says at the top early childhood mother slash caregiver. Number
Kristy Yee: 11:15
Got it. I was okay.
Angie Yu: 11:19
Keep going. can do this.
Kristy Yee: 11:22
Okay. Okay. I already have comments cuz man, I I'm so sorry. I keep interrupting you now.
Angie Yu: 11:28
What are your
Kristy Yee: 11:29
I feel like, well, I just don't remember who I am when I was a kid, but I remember what other people tell me how I was when I was a kid. So
Angie Yu: 11:39
What do you mean?
Kristy Yee: 11:40
I feel like I have, I'm basing a lot of my answers on how other people told me how I had behaved as a kid, cuz I don't actually remember how I behaved as a
Angie Yu: 11:51
You should that's that's true. But you know what, how I
Kristy Yee: 11:55
by other people's memories of.
Angie Yu: 11:57
Yeah. But it says, how do you perceive and. All of our realities are our own realities, but it also, we don't live in a vacuum. So our own realities are also influenced by other people. So your perception, it's not just your perception. So I think if you remember stuff from what other people said about you and you've incorporated that into who you are and you act, you know what I mean? Does that make sense? Like, like you are a result of your childhood, but you're also a result of what other people have told you as well.
Kristy Yee: 12:27
I, I actually had to go back and reread the instructions again. It's a it's I have to answer based off of how my behaviors were perceived by my caregiver. So it's not my memories, but like how, okay.
Angie Yu: 12:46
wait, what?
Kristy Yee: 12:47
yeah, it says. How you perceived the following conditions were met by your caregiver. So it's, I'm answering this based off of how my caregiver had been encouraging or present.
Angie Yu: 13:03
That's right. That's right. Yeah.
Kristy Yee: 13:06
Oh God. But I had two different caregivers that did
Angie Yu: 13:09
Well your earliest one, the one the main give the main one. Usually. Usually even, even though, you know, usually it's the mother, like if, if your mother was still present in the early stages of your life, that's, we're just biologically clung onto them. Cuz we, we were held in their arms as a baby to breastfeed and that's why nowadays, like dads will do this thing where they do like bond time. They, they put the baby like skin on skin and they just kind of like cuddle the baby on their chest. Even if they're not breastfeeding.
Kristy Yee: 13:42
mm-hmm
Angie Yu: 13:43
To kind of like equal out that bonding.
Kristy Yee: 13:48
This section says, you know, think about your earliest childhood memories. And then it talked about things like toys and bicycles and clothes and computers. In my earliest memories, I am way too young to have a bicycle
Angie Yu: 14:00
no, no. I think, I think what they mean is like, when you think of your bicycle, think of the earliest memories you have of that one. Don't think about like last week when you were on your bike.
Kristy Yee: 14:12
No. Okay. Spoiler, or you might not even include this. The questions like, you know, gave me things that I wanted, like toys, bicycle computer. So I'm like when I was a, in my earliest memories, why would they give me a computer?
Angie Yu: 14:28
Well, I don't know. I think you're over overthinking. oh.
Kristy Yee: 14:33
is, this is important. Shit. Okay. I gotta get this
Angie Yu: 14:36
I think it's just about in general. And I think a lot of it's about how we perceive something.
Kristy Yee: 14:41
Mm
Angie Yu: 14:42
So I don't think the question is like, did your mom buy you a computer? I think it's like, I think it's more to gauge. Like how, how does Christie feel about getting a material, things from a mom? Like, do you feel like you get it frequently or not? I think that's what it. Like, if you were five and you told your mom, mom, I want new shoes.
Kristy Yee: 15:06
A computer
Angie Yu: 15:08
well, like whatever, whatever is age appropriate. Like how, how do you think as Christie now? How do you think she would've responded basically? Right. So for me, it's like, yeah, my mom would've did everything she could to get me that even if it was just like a KFC.
Kristy Yee: 15:30
KFCs were rare. Okay. So I must
Angie Yu: 15:32
exactly. It was expensive in China, too. Whew. this quiz is, definitely bringing up a
Kristy Yee: 15:41
Is it bringing
Angie Yu: 15:43
a lot of like nice, also uncomfortable memories. Like, and I think that's the conflicting part. It's like, they're not all good. Most of them are good. I would say, I think, but then I see a question. I was like, oh, maybe not
Kristy Yee: 16:05
Mm-hmm so, little bit of a potential trigger warning to folks who want to take this quiz. You might feel some things, huh? Because you are going back in time into your childhood and there will be some happy memories and sometimes there might be some not so happy memories. And you might feel some of those things as you're going through this quiz. wow. The way I'm answering this is, oh boy.
Angie Yu: 16:44
Yeah, I I'm curious. Right.
Kristy Yee: 16:50
Wow.
Angie Yu: 16:53
Wait until you get to the caregiver. Number two.
Kristy Yee: 16:55
Man the way I'm answering this feels like I'm gonna have some problematic results.
Angie Yu: 17:01
Don't think about it as problematic. Think about it as an opportunity to understand yourself better.
Kristy Yee: 17:07
Wow, what a reframe. Thank you. I mean, that's what we all need to start practicing, right. Is reframing situations in our own negative thoughts.
Angie Yu: 17:19
Yeah.
Kristy Yee: 17:20
So very good example, Angie. Very good example.
Angie Yu: 17:23
Because I, I thought the exact same thing the first time
Kristy Yee: 17:26
Yeah, cuz I'm doing this and I'm like, yo, you're fucked. I'm okay. What I want to know.
Angie Yu: 17:38
I'm just looking at my results
Kristy Yee: 17:40
Oh, wow. That's a good sign. I'm excited. Okay. Let, I'll be there soon. Okay. So what are you?
Angie Yu: 17:51
I'm secure.
Kristy Yee: 17:53
Oh, so am I.
Angie Yu: 17:55
Oh, that's great.
Kristy Yee: 17:58
I mean, when I read secure, it seems like a good thing, even though I'm trying not to make things a good versus bad thing, but like I felt, felt like it seems
Angie Yu: 18:09
That's why I laughed, because the last time I did this, I was not secure. Like my results were not secure.
Kristy Yee: 18:15
growth.
Angie Yu: 18:16
and then at the bottom, so being secure is a good thing, you're gonna lead the healthiest at attachments, the healthiest relationships, which is good for yourself and good for other people. So I guess it's not really comparable
Kristy Yee: 18:30
So there's like a, there's like a goal that you want to be, and then like you want to be secure.
Angie Yu: 18:37
That's right. And I really like this first paragraph that says, it says, congratulations. Having a secure attachment style is great news. Either your needs were adequately met during your formative years
Kristy Yee: 18:49
No,
Angie Yu: 18:50
Yeah, no. We both said no. Right. So listen to this sentence or. You worked hard at your relationships and circumstances to get to where you are emotionally in life?
Kristy Yee: 19:02
Woo a pat on the back, my friend, a pat on the back. Yay to
Angie Yu: 19:07
Yeah. I'm I guess I'm like kind of taken aback by this because I, I honestly haven't done a quiz or even assess. Like something, this concrete, cuz I, I know that like, I feel a lot more grounded now in my romantic relationship and in my friendships as well, just my relationships in general. but I never like thought to be like, oh, let's see how I'm doing now. so this is actually kind of like a pleasant surprise for me because like I, I know that I have improved quite a bit. but yeah, it's nice to see. So what I was before, a year and a half ago, when I did the quiz, I was between, anxious attachment and disorganized attachment.
Kristy Yee: 19:54
How do you know you're between, because it only gives you one answer.
Angie Yu: 19:57
The one in the book tells you kind of like what you are more in, but I said, I also have tendencies of mixed disorganized. Yeah. So, but definitely on the anxious side for me, which I knew like I all my symptoms. So because like, this is a self. Like a self diagnosis almost. Right. So you identify with certain things and that's gonna get you a certain answer. but I was definitely really anxious before. And I remember journaling about this because. I was reading a lot more about this theory when I started my current relationship, because I was start starting to see a lot of the same, like behaviors and triggers that I didn't like.
Kristy Yee: 20:43
What were some of these behaviors and triggers that you noticed?
Angie Yu: 20:49
My last relationship ended pretty horribly. There was a lot of lying and manipulativeness and gas lighting. So I didn't, there's not much trust, present. So when I was single, I had to really learn to trust myself. And then I rebuilt that trust with myself after being gas lit for so long. And then. I was doing well, but then when I started a new relationship again, there was this new dynamic that I was like, okay, well, I spent like a year and a half working on myself. Now. It's like, I have to start from the beginning again, because like the, you put in this new variable of a different person now I'm like, it's throwing me off essentially. So that's when I was like, went to my therapist. I was like, okay. things are a lot more complicated. because I, I dialed back my therapy frequency, once I was start once I was doing like fine. but then when I got into a relationship, I was starting to see a lot of more, anxiety again. so my therapist actually recommended me that book, the attached, book, and I started reading more about it and I was journaling. I was like, okay, well, why do I want to work? On my attachment is because one it's better for me, but also two at the time. there was a, not, it still is. I saw a lot of good in my current partner. Like a lot of patience, a lot of understanding, even though I was kind of, you know, giving him a hard time on things that I was like, okay, well I wanna be better for him. And then I started thinking more about my past relationship and just looking at the symptom, sorry, not symptoms looking at like the behavior, indications. I think I was a lot more on the avoidance side,
Kristy Yee: 22:34
Mm.
Angie Yu: 22:35
So at some point in my last relationship, I went from avoidant to anxious. So I was like, okay, well, if I can go from one bad one to another bad one, that means I can go from a bad one to a good one.
Kristy Yee: 22:50
Yeah. Like if it's dynamic.
Angie Yu: 22:52
it doesn't really hit home that you can change until I went okay. But I did go from like avoidance to anxious. So why can't I go to a different quadrant, which is the secure quad.
Kristy Yee: 23:17
So we've heard about secure It turns out that that's like the goal So yay to us I wasn't surprised cuz as we were going through the quiz I was so sure I was gonna get something really sad Like your childhood sucks You've got a lot of things to work on You's all the reasons why you are fucked up
Angie Yu: 23:39
Yeah And that That's exactly what
Kristy Yee: 23:47
it's cause we can't see each other We can't see each other So there's no you know body
Angie Yu: 23:51
body language Yeah That's so funny This is so funny Okay Okay
Kristy Yee: 23:56
But what I do wanna say is like you know this is just a classic case of how we are hard on ourselves and we don't stop to kind of appreciate the work that we've done and where we're at now compared to where Were before so yay
Angie Yu: 24:14
Yay
Kristy Yee: 24:15
Yay and yay to you listeners and our poop troops out there Who've been doing this work and continue to do this work Like take a pause and think about where you used to be and where you are now and just pet yourself on the back Even if you are like no matter where you are Okay you everybody grows We just don't take time to recognize that
Angie Yu: 24:42
and when I was doing I don't know if you like noticed any patterns from your childhood I'm sure you did That's why when we were doing we were both like oh God oh boy Oh God like especially in the in the caregiver like early memories there was it was a pretty big mix like how Sure were you that you're gonna get your needs for me it was pretty straightforward from everything except emotions like the soothing and the being there understanding who I am cuz that just that was not existent to our parents Like they don't know how to do that because they didn't get that So as I was doing it I was like oh man like this makes it sound like it's so bad that they didn't do all this for me So I was feeling a little bit down and like oh no But then we got to the present part like the what's going on currently And I was able to put in a lot of good stuff and that made me go okay Yeah So this is why like it's not good to dwell on the past Like the past is the past It's it's a great way to learn but it's not good to dwell on it So I was like okay Okay So when I actually got the secure you know what the funny thing is I didn't even see the secure So once you you know unlock the page the first thing on the left side says your attachment style is secure I didn't even see that It didn't even hit me And then I was like okay you can now feel your full report below So I just scrolled down and then I was looking I didn't even read it I was just looking at the quadrant and there was like a bunch of different dots And I was like what does this mean and then and then I looked to the left and I said congratulations I was like huh And then that's when I realized that I got secure like it didn't even hit me cuz I was totally expecting something
Kristy Yee: 26:38
It's almost like your brain chose to filter that out because you just don't believe that that could be true
Angie Yu: 26:45
Yeah Like I didn't even yeah I didn't even recognize that from first glance Like
Kristy Yee: 26:51
You're just expecting this like not so great answer And you know like maybe you subconsciously did see secure but you just chose not to process what you saw
Angie Yu: 27:03
Yeah Maybe like I was just looking for the word attachment and the word anxious And then I I think maybe if it said secure attachment maybe I would've seen it but I was just like where is the words Like where is the relevant word And then
Kristy Yee: 27:17
You were like looking for the problems
Angie Yu: 27:20
I was
Kristy Yee: 27:21
Holy shit That's saying something man That's like
Angie Yu: 27:25
Well cause that's what I got last time So I was like looking for it and that's when I was like oh wait is that secure And that's why when I read the paragraph it's like either you had your needs adequately met during your formative years Well Hmm Not really Or you worked really hard at your relationships and circumstances to get where you are now And I was like oh damn that's nice to hear
Kristy Yee: 27:49
it's like recognition of the work that you have done you know and it's not like we have arrived It's It's not like a a place that you land in and now we're like done you're we're never done our work but it's it is nice to have our work so far be recognized and you know yeah I didn't honestly I did not expect secure at all and honestly I don't I don't even know what To say for the rest of this episode now Cause I just didn't expect us to be like oh look we're secure Yay You know it almost it kinda feels like like I don't know like a little narcissistic like oh look how good we are I'm expecting to dive into some problematic things and talk about childhood traumas and how this is affecting our current relationships But now I'm Okay So turns out I'm secure And pat on the back for us we have worked hard and we will continue to work on ourselves but let's recognize the work that we have already done
Angie Yu: 28:56
Yeah like
Kristy Yee: 28:57
what
Angie Yu: 28:58
like we remember like at we did say that Hey like listeners poop trips When you first start doing this you might get trigger because it does bring back some unpleasant memories.
Kristy Yee: 29:09
Do you remember what type of triggered memories came up for you during the quiz
Angie Yu: 29:16
Yeah it was like the first question One of the first questions was basically asking like if your parents took you to like an after school
Kristy Yee: 29:24
Mm-hmm
Angie Yu: 29:25
And that was like I was like really stuck on that because it's like well they didn't But also there wasn't like I don't even know if there were opportunities to like they Def it was definitely something I resented for a while especially because like coming to Canada like everyone here has such a I don't wanna say a CV like a such a well rounded like after school activities like they they always did stuff after school Like whether it be sports or A musical instrument It always involved like improving yourself building confidence on something or working with other people like teamwork And that was something that I never had And my parents recognized that too especially after the failure of my last relationship they were my mom kind of pointed out the fact that I lacked confidence because I didn't have anything that was my own And she said that she regretted not providing that for me as a child because she didn't know better She didn't know that like it's something that children need And I remember thinking yeah actually I do resent that so when that question but but I have worked through that you know like I always thought of it like well they they didn't know about it They couldn't afford it but it Didn't matter because I hadn't processed my resentment So my mom actually spoke about that It really did help me process the resentment Like I can resent them for it even though there are logical reasons why like they don't have to be mutually exclusive So because of that I was actually able to process that resentment for the first time So when I read that sentence again it kind of like brought back the memory of Now having been able to do that as a kid but it didn't make me like angry or resentful When I read that question it just made me go Yeah that was a shame Like that
Kristy Yee: 31:21
it just it reminded you that you know there was some things that you wish you had that you didn't have and you kind of you know mourn it for a bit without feeling angry or upset in the present moment because you have already processed and you have forgiven
Angie Yu: 31:39
That's right yeah What about you Which painful memories did it trigger
Kristy Yee: 31:44
okay So Hmm I guess I didn't have a specific memory when I had to redo the question the way that they had structure it is you think about your first caregiver and then you apply these questions on this person that you're thinking about And a lot of times the first caregiver is your mother but I was thinking about my father and I think what was painful was just revisiting the memory of my dad And that in itself was painful for me because he's no longer with us anymore And in the quiz it even says if this person has passed away we would like for you to answer these questions with respect to how you felt when they were alive So it really kind of brought him back in that moment when I was going through the questions And it's like having him beside me and that I guess that in itself was emotional
Angie Yu: 32:57
Oh
Kristy Yee: 32:58
Yeah
Angie Yu: 32:59
I miss some for you
Kristy Yee: 33:02
sorry
Angie Yu: 33:03
I said I I miss
Kristy Yee: 33:03
awe Oh that's so lovely That's such a lovely thing to say Thank
Angie Yu: 33:08
Is it
Kristy Yee: 33:09
Yeah I
Angie Yu: 33:10
I do Yeah
Kristy Yee: 33:12
that's like So much empathy on your part and and yeah that's really nice Thank you for that one of the question about like your future I don't remember specifically what they said but it was about like your trust in others and I'm like disagree Don't even have to think about it And that's not something I would've honestly like identified had we not recorded our previous episode about to have or not to have babies when I learned if you haven't listened to that episode yet where I learned that apparently I have trust issues And now I know that this is something I probably should work Yeah That was like no hesitation Cause some questions are just like I don't know it could be this and it could be that but when I got there I'm like yeah Okay
Angie Yu: 34:06
Yeah The the parts where I was laughing cuz I could just click on it So fast was like did you receive like emotional support or needs And I was like disagree strongly
Kristy Yee: 34:18
And then there are questions of like did you have food and and shelter and clothing And I'm like yes
Angie Yu: 34:23
strongly agree
Kristy Yee: 34:24
Strongly agree Did you have emotional support Strongly disagree man Now I feel like we're spoiling the quiz So we're gonna just stop talking about the specific question so that you as our poop troops don't start thinking about your answers before you even take the quiz
Angie Yu: 34:41
That's right
Kristy Yee: 34:46
I feel like this has not been a very interesting episode
Angie Yu: 34:51
we're we're very sorry for having having worked so hard that we are now healthy and we don't have anything to talk about No I'm just kidding what do you think overall though of of this quiz Like I know that you were surprised and because you were really sure that your quote unquote fucked up or whatever Now that you've had time to process your first thoughts What are your second thoughts
Kristy Yee: 35:19
I I have none Christy is closed now Okay I'm not gonna answer your question directly Not because of avoidant but because another thought came to mind and that is part of the quiz It asks questions about I guess how you behave in your current relationship or in the last relationship that you had And at some point I had I had difficulties answering because I felt like I could answer it in one way for majority of the relationship but then I have a different answer for like literally the last month of the relationship you know
Angie Yu: 36:04
Hmm so so did you end up clicking that you're single or in a relationship because you say you weren't gonna tell me
Kristy Yee: 37:02
which one do you think
Angie Yu: 37:04
I think you put in a relationship
Kristy Yee: 37:06
Oh interesting Why is that
Angie Yu: 37:10
because you hesitated
Kristy Yee: 37:12
Okay
Angie Yu: 37:14
Whereas like I think if you were absolutely sure they would be like yeah I'm single Well actually no because you are still conflicted but I okay I'm just gonna go with that You you put you're in a
Kristy Yee: 37:27
I clicked I am single Not because anything has changed Nothing has changed since that episode where we talked about my breaking up the six year relationship check out that episode When I say nothing changed I mean my the the Mr Lobster and I have not Conversed SI well we have no that's a lie we have but the status of our relationship from the last time I have conversed with Mr Lobster has not changed
Angie Yu: 38:07
Mm-hmm
Kristy Yee: 38:08
but maybe my mindset has
Angie Yu: 38:14
like nothing externally has changed but internal
Kristy Yee: 38:17
Yeah Yeah exactly Yeah Nothing externally nothing like label wise has changed but perhaps perhaps internally some things have
Angie Yu: 38:26
Okay I'm kind of loving it
Kristy Yee: 38:28
Are you
Angie Yu: 38:30
Yeah
Kristy Yee: 38:32
tell tell me more about
Angie Yu: 38:33
of the reason why part of the reason why I guess that you still put in a relationship is because I didn't want you to feel guilty if I had said single
Kristy Yee: 38:47
Mm-hmm
Angie Yu: 38:48
not because like I think I think that was my first thought It was like well she wasn't sure if she was So maybe that's why but that was the last time we spoken Like you said we haven't really spoken since either So when you said actually I went with single I'm like okay So it means she has time to like process it She has time to be like okay I'm gonna treat this like a breakup because I wanna move on
Kristy Yee: 39:16
mm-hmm
Angie Yu: 39:18
So that's why I'm kind of like I'm loving it
Kristy Yee: 39:20
And I think I hesitated because you're right Like I felt guilty for almost like changing my status You know it felt like I was bringing something internal to the external by saying I am now single
Angie Yu: 39:34
Yeah
Kristy Yee: 39:35
like admitting or saying I am single on this one quiz on the internet made me feel guilty and made me hesitate made me like Am I ready to claim that title as single And what does that mean And it also felt like it was unfair because I'm I'm now labeling something without having a discussion with the other half of the person who is involved in this relationship Right So that's why I hesitated But when I first saw the question I was drawn to the answer to pick single and then I was like whoa wait a minute Now Declaring that I'm single in this quiz that makes it official I feel really bad about that Yeah
Angie Yu: 40:24
Yeah Interesting
Kristy Yee: 40:25
with it anyways because that's that was the answer that I gravitated towards
Angie Yu: 40:29
And now my question is why would you feel bad for clicking single Why would you feel bad for declaring that
Kristy Yee: 40:36
Well because like when you're in a relationship it's you know It's like an agreement between two people And and then the last time Mr Lobster and I had conversed we did not agree that we were gonna be single So it feels like I'm making a decision about this relationship without him
Angie Yu: 40:57
Right That's that's no I think that's very empathetic of you as well because you don't wanna hurt his feeling but in reality breakups don't exactly
Kristy Yee: 41:15
But it I don't like it's it should be communicated between two people Right And I'm not I don't know I feel like I was gonna say I'm not saying we're officially broken up but I I don't know Did I just officially announce on the internet that we're broken up now And is this how he's gonna find out like Well I mean like Mr Lobster and I agree to take this break right And we were going to re like have a conversation with each other again when I'm back in Vancouver So this episode's gonna release before Mr Lobster and I have planned to have a conversation about what to do next in our relationship
Angie Yu: 41:53
Right
Kristy Yee: 41:54
Right
Angie Yu: 41:54
but isn't it When you're on a break aren't you technically single You're not single and ready to mingle but you are technically you're not bound I don't know
Kristy Yee: 42:06
I feel like this is like a Ross and Rachel debate
Angie Yu: 42:11
how did I break
Kristy Yee: 42:12
we were on a break
Angie Yu: 42:14
well obviously like just cuz you're on break doesn't mean that you you know it's still about respect Right So I think yeah I don't know Now it feels kind of awkward
Kristy Yee: 42:23
See now you feel now you know how I felt when I was trying to debate on which answer to select
Angie Yu: 42:28
Yeah Now because now I'm thinking about Mr Lobster but obviously at first I'm like I'm I'm you're my friend So I was like yay Like you made a decision I guess it's like it would be respectful to let him know how you feel
Kristy Yee: 42:43
Like Hey I just recorded this episode and I basically just announced that I am single
Angie Yu: 42:49
well if you
Kristy Yee: 42:50
nervous Laughter
Angie Yu: 42:52
but is is is the fact that you're announcing that you're single meaning that you want to be fully broken up
Kristy Yee: 43:01
I don't wanna make any of these decisions until I actually have a conversation with Mr Lobster And I would like to do that when I'm back home and when I can you know do it face to face Yeah
Angie Yu: 43:14
I think that's fair then that you don't have to talk to him about this and you don't really need to tell him because for the purpose of the quiz you came at it from who's single Which is fair because you're not like you're it's not like you're currently communicating and living your life with this person So I think that's fair
Kristy Yee: 43:36
Yeah Like I'm not I think Okay So I just wanna make it clear I'm not announcing that this is an official breakup because this quiz forced me to pick an answer and and then I just have this realization this like epiphany just wanna make that clear everybody We are still on a break and I chose I chose I'm single because number one that was the answer that I gravitated towards Number two it Does feel like I'm single because I'm not actively participating in a relationship So it it feels like my lifestyle is geared towards single It doesn't mean that that's where I want to be Like maybe I that's where I want to be Maybe that's not where I want to be Like I haven't figured that out yet
Angie Yu: 44:29
Mm-hmm
Kristy Yee: 44:30
You might have some thoughts on your own as you're listening to my story progress But I chose that answer because it felt like that was this is the life that I'm living right now And there's nothing official until Mr Lobster and I are ready to have a conversation And I would like to do that Not tonight not after this recording
Angie Yu: 44:56
No that's I think that's
Kristy Yee: 44:58
Yeah
Angie Yu: 44:59
I think that's a very good summary and I think that's very securely attached to you
Kristy Yee: 45:04
Aw Look at that
Angie Yu: 45:07
Like I think where I was when I was at my most anxious is like I needed these things to be finalized ASAP Like I didn't want to stew on anything because it would just make me more But in in but when that happens it's actually worse because it means like maybe I haven't had the time to process or the other person had the time to process but I just wanted to be done want to have to deal with the or
Kristy Yee: 45:40
like you just wanna answer now I don't know man I don't know I mean we're not psychologists
Angie Yu: 45:46
But but again I think this is a great example of being securely attached Is that you trust yourself and you trust your own judgment enough to be like okay this is exactly what I want I want to talk to Mr Lobster after my six week journey and then figure out where we go from there
Kristy Yee: 46:09
Like I feel secure Sorry Yeah
Angie Yu: 46:13
And that you are fine waiting and doing it
Kristy Yee: 46:17
Yeah Yeah It's it's almost like I feel secure being in the ambiguous
Angie Yu: 46:23
Yes that is greatly put
Kristy Yee: 46:27
like I'm okay Floating in this weird gray area because I'm secure enough to not need to be one or the other
Angie Yu: 46:34
Correct And that's great That is fantastic
Kristy Yee: 46:40
Oh thanks for recognizing that
Angie Yu: 46:42
Yeah I I am very proud of you
Kristy Yee: 46:48
still feel like this is a very narcissistic episode but
Angie Yu: 46:52
Maybe you're just being hard on ourselves
Kristy Yee: 46:54
Maybe maybe but that's what this podcast is about right Like not being hard on ourselves but being more genuine about how we're feeling and then calling each other out on our shit that like we do feel like so so many of us have negative thoughts about ourselves I honestly I can even process like what happened in this episode.
Angie Yu: 47:17
there's always a twist in turn When you listen to shit we don't tell mom
