19. The Handbook for Adulting ft. Angela Kim (The Why Moments)
Instructions on how to be an adult and live happily ever after. Do you want one? What if we were already given one but we just don’t like what is written? In this episode, Angela Kim from The Why Moments Podcast discusses the internal and external pressures of marriage, to have or not have kids, going to therapy, and how to tell all this to your Asian family. Content warning: suicide.
Highlights:
Why we confirm and more importantly, what happens when we don’t
How to tell your Asian parents you’re not ready for marriage
What is it like being the black sheep of a Korean Christian Family?
Telling mom about therapy and having panic attacks
Takeaways:
Parents can equate their self-worth based on how their children are performing. This is not your responsibility to upkeep.
If you want to dance, cry, laugh in public… just do it! The next person will be encouraged by you and we can all be a little more authentic with our emotions
You’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t so you might as well do and live life to your own values
You don’t need to have something “wrong” in your life to go to therapy
Mentions & Resources:
The Why Moments (Instagram)
Living Room Series (Community Group)
Enjoyed this episode? Share with a friend! The best way to support this show is by listening. So thank you.
Got a topic you want us to chat about? Have a question about mental health or adulting as an Asian American? Let us know!
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Transcript
HEADS UP: We use AI to help us transcribe so we can spend more time on the podcast. The transcription is not perfect. Please forgive any typos.
Angie Yu: [00:00:00] Asian food courts where like they have amazing food,
Kristy Yee: [00:00:04] Richmond public market really bomb. They close at seven,
Angela Kim: [00:00:08] for sure.
Angie Yu: [00:00:10] Same with Aberdeen. Aberdeen
Angela Kim: [00:00:12] closes at seven as well.
Kristy Yee: [00:00:40] Welcome to another episode of shit. We don't tell mom. I haven't
Angie Yu: [00:00:45] done this in a while.
Yeah. You know what that's, that's correct. We took a little bit of a break.
Kristy Yee: [00:00:52] We were like, we are tired and we want to self care. So we stopped recording for what is it? Two weeks now, two, [00:01:00] three,
Angela Kim: [00:01:00] two and a half weeks, two weeks,
Kristy Yee: [00:01:01] two weeks, which is a lot because we record usually once or twice a week.
So that's like. A lot.
Angie Yu: [00:01:08] It feels like we haven't recorded in a really
Kristy Yee: [00:01:10] long feels like two months. That's what it feels
Angie Yu: [00:01:12] like to me. But also because your schedule is always packed. So to you, it probably feels like it's been longer and whatever,
Kristy Yee: [00:01:20] if this is your first time listening, welcome to the show. Angie and I, we like to talk about shit that makes us uncomfortable and then get us to be comfortable about the uncomfortable today.
We have a
Angela Kim: [00:01:32] really special guest.
Kristy Yee: [00:01:33] Angela Kim,
we are stoked because Angela also has a bomb ass podcast that talks a lot about. Humans and their vulnerabilities and their stories, which is fucking lovely. And we need to tell more of these humanized stories in the world.
And that's why we were super excited to get Angela to come on here. We ourselves have been on Angela's podcast. So check that out. We'll link it in the show notes.
Angie Yu: [00:01:59] Called [00:02:00] the Y moment.
Kristy Yee: [00:02:01] Correct. So Angela, why don't you introduce yourself a little bit and tell our listeners what your podcast is about?
Angela Kim: [00:02:08] Thank you so much for having me on your podcast. I'm a huge fan of your podcast. I love listening to them. I try not to laugh out loud every time. Cause I all listened to it while I'm on a walk to go to the gym or something. And anyways, so yeah, my name is Angela Kim. I'm based in Calgary, three, Alberta, Canada.
Like Angie and Christy said I am the host of my own podcast. The why moments? Um, I'm also one of the moderators for the living room series. Um, and that's where I met Christine Angie from and yeah.
What else can I tell you? About myself. I am obsessed with sunsets.
Angie Yu: [00:02:46] And I had kind of it's funny
Angela Kim: [00:02:48] today. Well, I was thinking why I'm obsessed with sunset so much. And I realized on my Korean name actually has the word sun in it. it's summer.
So it's spelled S U N so [00:03:00] sun and then H Susana. Yeah. And what does it mean? I'm kind of embarrassed to share, but my grandpa named me. Okay. And,
Angie Yu: [00:03:08] and means
Angela Kim: [00:03:10] beautiful and nice.
Why
Angie Yu: [00:03:14] is that embarrassing? It's not inaccurate. I feel like a lot of Asian
Angela Kim: [00:03:19] people and their names, they have a, like a deep meaning behind it, you know , um, like prosperity or they just have a lot of deep meaning behind their names. And then when I asked about mine, my parents were like, Oh, it just means beautiful and nice.
So I was like, Oh, cool.
Angie Yu: [00:03:35] I'll take it. But yeah, it was just,
Angela Kim: [00:03:38] yeah, I just like wanted something, I guess. I don't know. No, I do like my Korean name. I can't complain. But yeah, that's me. Um, I um, I'm a huge mental health advocate. I love talking about vulnerability. I love sharing people's stories and my podcast is all about intervene.
Just average, normal day-to-day people that I need and sharing their, I guess, their wine [00:04:00] womans and their turning points in life and how they did what they did to overcome those little moments. So, yeah, I'm really happy to be here today.
Kristy Yee: [00:04:06] It's a great podcast. I have cried multiple times listening to different episodes on your podcast and it's, I just love it.
I love it.
speaking of our podcast. I say, if you want to laugh in public, just fucking do it because then
Angie Yu: [00:04:25] you don't
Kristy Yee: [00:04:25] know.
Okay. It seems weird now. Cause you're like, Oh, it's socially unacceptable. People are going to look at me and judge me. But honestly I feel like. If we see more people do that, then maybe they will be encouraged to do the same. And then we will just all
Angie Yu: [00:04:39] be a little bit
Kristy Yee: [00:04:40] because we can express that happiness
Angie Yu: [00:04:43] when it comes to us.
Angela Kim: [00:04:44] Yes.
Angie Yu: [00:04:45] So liberating about it. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe like laughing. I can see why it could scare
Angela Kim: [00:04:51] somebody
Angie Yu: [00:04:51] who's like walking next to, you know, you just burst out into laughter out of nowhere. I've done it many, many times. And if people look at me, then I [00:05:00] just. Smile back at them. And it's a good thing. I don't look like a creepy person, creepy person.
If I had like a handlebar mustache, then it'd be different. But I guess one of the perks of being a girl is that you come off a little bit less creepy, so lock away.
Angela Kim: [00:05:14] Yes. That'll be my next mission. You know, I'll just keep laughing mustaches though.
Angie Yu: [00:05:21] We could disclaimer that, you know, I'm just saying if I was laughing in public, You know, and I looked very creepy, then I could creep other people out.
But at the end of the day, you do you , um, yeah. That's all them for judging me based on how I look, you know,
Angela Kim: [00:05:38] it's true. Yeah.
Kristy Yee: [00:05:39] I say, who gives a fuck? Just like, just do it. Just laugh. I used to be so self-conscious about that. Like, especially, even if I have my headphones on. And I'm listening to a song.
I mean, you know, you get really into it, right. And then you start dancing a little bit to herself, why is there a harm in that? Why should [00:06:00] I be afraid of judgment from other people when I'm just having a good time rocking out to Backstreet boys, I feel like if anything, if I saw another person. Jamming out with the Backstreet boys down the street, I'm going to go and jam with them.
Angela Kim: [00:06:14] You literally just like maybe move my body a little
Angie Yu: [00:06:17] bit to
have a really funny story to share about, I guess that , um, I think so. I think the theme
Angela Kim: [00:06:29] here is just like, I don't know, like conforming,
Angie Yu: [00:06:32] which as humans we're prone to want to conform. But I remember when I first moved to Canada, my parents and I were walking to Granville Island.
We were so poor that we don't want to take the bus. So we walked from Mount pleasant to grand Island and Angela, like for you, there's not really, you don't really know how far that is. And to be honest, I don't know how far that is either, but it's pretty far
Kristy Yee: [00:06:52] how long was the walk that will help
Angie Yu: [00:06:54] gauge?
I don't know,
Angela Kim: [00:06:54] it's going to be like an hour and a half
Angie Yu: [00:06:57] and not half, but there was like, there was like [00:07:00] a tour bus. That saw us along the way. And then they saw us again near Granville Island and they were just kind of like, , I think they were trying to get us to join them, but my parents don't speak the language, obviously.
Right. So then they, they didn't want to, I don't know, they just didn't want to disturb other people.
Kristy Yee: [00:07:17] And I feel like that's a very,
Angie Yu: [00:07:19] I don't know about you guys, but growing up, my mom was very like, don't bother other people. don't be. A burden to other people. And that same day when we were leaving Granville Island it started raining.
And I remember this very vividly, there was a woman dancing in the rain, in a tennis court.
Angela Kim: [00:07:37] Just by
Angie Yu: [00:07:37] herself. And she was like, dancing. This was like 2000. So there weren't MP3 players. Like there was no music. She was just like, Enjoying the fuck out of life, dancing in the rain, splashing, the puddles.
And my parents laughed, but not in like a mocking way. They laughed. Like this would never happen in China. If this happened in China, somebody will lock you into an institution, but they just thought it was so [00:08:00] refreshing that there was this woman just dancing in the rain for no reason.
Angela Kim: [00:08:04] It's pretty cool.
Angie Yu: [00:08:13] But my first thought was like, that's a weird lady.
Kristy Yee: [00:08:17] Why do you think you had this? I don't know. Negative. Assumption of this person yet your parents saw it as like, Whoa, look at that. That would never like a, more of a positive light.
Angie Yu: [00:08:28] Well, I don't know.
They're older than me. I'm more mature. I think for them, they were seeing
Angela Kim: [00:08:33] everything as like a new
Angie Yu: [00:08:34] experience, like, Oh wow. This, Oh, wow. That's cool. Because they were in a completely new environment, complete new country. So they expect everything to be different.
Angela Kim: [00:08:42] But I didn't,
Angie Yu: [00:08:43] because I don't think I had that concept yet.
So as a nine year old. Who, you know, when to a school system in China where everything's about conforming, we had uniforms. Everyone looked the same. You can, you have to have the same hairstyle. Like you can't have weird, like, not even weird, like you just can't have [00:09:00] unique hairstyles. Like there was no such thing as individuality in the school system in China.
so for me it was just like, what a weird lady.
Angela Kim: [00:09:07] I think
Kristy Yee: [00:09:07] so much of that is like what we're also taught in society too. Like if you're behaving in a way that you don't commonly see on television , um, then it becomes abnormal and then therefore weird. Right. It's an extension of being weird, being different, blah, blah, blah.
Speaking of conformity, do you think.
Hold
Angie Yu: [00:09:28] or
Kristy Yee: [00:09:32] do you ladies feel that there's this need to, I don't even know if conform is the right word, but to get married because that's what society.
And then like, you know what our parents expects us to be. And like everyone around us getting married or have gotten married in it. There's this. Internal pressure
Angie Yu: [00:09:51] to
Kristy Yee: [00:09:52] conform to those ways.
Angie Yu: [00:09:54] Well, like literally we were just talking about this other day. Why did you miss that session? [00:10:00] Because I was at a
Kristy Yee: [00:10:01] wedding.
Oh, right.
Angie Yu: [00:10:03] I knew that. I knew that Angela, why don't you tell us a little bit about your thoughts on this?
Angela Kim: [00:10:10] Oh, gosh. Um, I feel like we do get pressured into , um, living in the, I guess, What is supposed to be the societal norm? Um, especially I think in the Asian culture.
So personally my parents do pressure me, right. , um, it's actually just not my parents, my brothers to my whole family. They have so much concern around me not being married at an age of 31. So the pressure I got was from. Probably like maybe a year before I turned 30. , but I think during that time I had a boyfriend.
So when I was in a relationship, the pressure wasn't there as much because they probably thought that I was going to marry that person or they just thought, you know, she'll be fine. Um, it'll eventually lead into marriage, but because now, right now I'm single. [00:11:00] They're very concerned. So every time I go over to my parents, The first couple of questions are always like, do you have a boyfriend?
And , um, my brother is always like, they're very , uh, they're younger than me, but they act as older brothers. I have twin brothers by the way. So if I say brothers ,
yeah. So yeah. Both of them. And they obviously like follow me on social media and I'll post things, you know, if I'm going on a date, they'll always call me.
They'll be like, who are you on a date with
Angie Yu: [00:11:28] where you see? Yeah.
Angela Kim: [00:11:30] And like, it's not because they're trying to control me. I think it's more of a joke, but at the same time, they're also curious. Um, . Well, I guess they are being protective. They obviously want me to meet someone nice, someone that will, you know, get along with my family.
And , um, that was one of the boundaries that I needed to create with my parents, because it was stressing me out. Every time I went over to the place, they would always talk about marriage and they would always say things like, you're not going to be able to get married.
Like if you don't get married now [00:12:00] you're not going to be able to marry anyone. No, one's going to want you. No, no. One's going to
Angie Yu: [00:12:05] yeah.
Kristy Yee: [00:12:06] Rags at that point, right?
Angela Kim: [00:12:08] Yeah. And like having kids. There's a lot of pressure on that too, because both of my brothers are younger and they're engaged now. So they're applying their wedding is next year.
And , um, they're already thinking about kids and buying a house. And so there are a lot, I guess, barred bands in that area. Um, if I was to compare myself and because my parents do compare us, it's, it's hard not to. Right. And so. that was one of the boxers I had to create. And I had to be like, mom, like, I actually have no desire to get married anytime soon.
Like I need to take care of myself first. Like
Angie Yu: [00:12:40] I'm like here,
Angela Kim: [00:12:41] like circling with my own self, you know, trying to get my career , uh, in place. And just, there are so many things that I want to do before I settled down with someone and I don't want to rush into. Oh relationship, just because of the fact that I need to get married ASAP or that I need to have kids [00:13:00] ASAP.
Like, I guess I get that girls have, you know, it is ticking, you know, read, you have a , um, I guess less chance of being, being able to get pregnant, but at the same time, it's like, if it's not meant to be, then I don't want, like, I don't necessarily have to have kids. And again, like that desire for me, isn't.
Very strong at this moment. So right now, you know, I am dating and meeting people, but again, like no rush. I think marriage kind of scares me because it's like, You hear so many crazy, fucked up stories of, you know, one person cheating on the other. And like the divorce rate is what over 50% now, like all that really, I think scares me.
And because I've been hurt in the past too, it's just like, I don't, I want to meet the right person and I want to meet a lot of people to get to that right person. Right. So, yeah, I just told my parents to just. Calm down, like, it'll happen when it happens. I really don't want to marry someone just because time is ticking.
I really want to be happy for the rest of my life and [00:14:00] not just, you know. Yeah. And , um, so my parents have backed off a little bit, but. like in the past it, in the past, you know, I always thought that I wasn't gonna get married at like 24, 25. And then again, like, this is why I said like, once you hit 30,
Angie Yu: [00:14:14] yeah.
Angela Kim: [00:14:14] Once you're 30, I was like, Oh, well, you know, it'll just happen. Whatever I don't want, I didn't want to put this pressure on myself. We had, that's kind of a, my idea, my thought around that it is sad when you know, a lot of girls. I saw this post on Instagram , about how , um, like I am 30 something and yes, I don't have kids and I'm not married and that's fine. That's perfectly normal. That's perfectly fine with me.
You know, just me maybe like we don't need to be. No Mary, just because we're, we're over 30 um, , that's my idea and take on that and I don't know about you guys, but yeah, there's definitely the pressure.
Kristy Yee: [00:14:51] I definitely thought that I was going to get married by 26. Have kids by 28 have this like beautiful, [00:15:00] you know, grant house by 32.
Yeah. And that's going to be the peak of my career and I'm just going to make like lots and lots of money
Angela Kim: [00:15:08] with
Kristy Yee: [00:15:08] two kids and live happily ever after.
Angie Yu: [00:15:11] Yeah. Just coast into retirement, right? Yep. Yep. It's like, do you guys remember the episode of friends where Rachel turns 30 or they all turn 30
Kristy Yee: [00:15:21] and then for Rachel,
Angie Yu: [00:15:23] she was like, okay, I want to have my first kid when I'm 32.
I don't remember the exact years, but I
Angela Kim: [00:15:28] think she was like, I want
Angie Yu: [00:15:29] to have my first kid when I'm 32, I want to be married for. Um, two years first, that means I got to be married when I'm 30, but
Angela Kim: [00:15:37] I also want to be engaged for a year. So that means I
Angie Yu: [00:15:40] need to be engaged when I'm 29. Um, and I want to date for at least a year or two, which means I need to be with the person last year.
Correct? I did that same math with myself. A hundred percent.
Like Angela, you mentioned you were [00:16:00] hurt before and I'm in the same boat as well. Like I was with someone for a really long time and in a relationship where, not just me, but like my parents, all of our friends, all of our family thought that we were going to get married.
Angela Kim: [00:16:11] Right. That didn't happen.
Angie Yu: [00:16:13] And then, I was kind of like, what do I do now?
Like, I have no goals. What am I supposed to do with my life? If I don't get married and have kids. And
Angela Kim: [00:16:22] obviously
Angie Yu: [00:16:23] looking back at that thought now I'm like, well, that's a stupid thought. But then when you're so wrapped up in these, like what you think you should be doing, it's really hard to take a step back And for me, because I was in a relationship from the age of 22 to 28. I'm like, man, those, those were like my prime years, you know? And , um, and I'm like, okay, I have one year left until I turned 30. I have one year left and until my life is over, so I need to do everything on my bucket list because my life is over when I turned 30 , um, and I had all these grand plans.
And [00:17:00] then COVID happened. And I think for me, like spiritually and emotionally was a blessing in disguise. Cause it was like slow the fuck down. You're not going anywhere and turning 30, like it's weird, right? Because obviously I have friends around me who are over 30 and obviously their lives are not over.
Yeah. But it's so hard when you're the one turning dirty. Right.
Angela Kim: [00:17:23] Yup. So now I'm fine. I'm
Angie Yu: [00:17:24] like, I'm ready to like, Hmm. Jump into my thirties. Yeah.
Kristy Yee: [00:17:28] I'm not ready.
I'm freaking out
Angie Yu: [00:17:35] and
Kristy Yee: [00:17:35] do code. It is a blessing in disguise for, I mean, there's a lot of terrible things, of course. Like I'm not
Angela Kim: [00:17:42] discounting
Kristy Yee: [00:17:43] any of that, but I do think that in some ways, I think after. Whenever that is a lot of people are going to really appreciate this time. Those who were , privileged enough to have the opportunity to slow the
Angie Yu: [00:17:56] fuck.
Yeah.
Kristy Yee: [00:17:59] And [00:18:00] just like. be more in tuned with yourselves,
Angela Kim: [00:18:02] right. Have this
Kristy Yee: [00:18:03] time to reflect figure out what is important for you. Why am I doing this grinding thing? Like what was my life
Angela Kim: [00:18:11] all about
Angie Yu: [00:18:15] grinding
Kristy Yee: [00:18:15] the nine to five.
Angie Yu: [00:18:16] Boise grinding.
That's like how. Like we dance back in 2008, . So I just wanted to point out that we're not talking about, you know, backing it up into second one, talking about like getting through the grind. Hustling.
Angela Kim: [00:18:33] Yes.
why are you guys freaking out? What are you freaking out about?
Kristy Yee: [00:18:36] Did you freak out at all? Angela?
Angela Kim: [00:18:38] I did. I did, Ah, see,
Angie Yu: [00:18:41] tell us from the other side of the bridge, what is life like over there?
Angela Kim: [00:18:46] I swear to God. I think every person goes through this phase.
I, when you're 29 turning 30 , um, I think I freaked out because obviously there was that marriage portion, the kids portion, the financial [00:19:00] situation portion, the career, I think it was just all aspects. You just start to. Freak out about everything. And you're, you know, in grand scheme of things, things were fine.
It's not like we're way behind. It's not like we're jobless. It's not like we're homeless. Like we're fine. We're living our lives just on a different, and I just need to remind myself, I think this is what it was. I kept comparing myself to people. Right. If I didn't compare myself to people, then I wouldn't have given a fuck because I would just be living my life the way that I'm supposed to live it.
And we are all on a different path. So my parents was one like them pressuring me was one of them. One of the things, why I freaked out and that's why I have to put that boundary there. and then another thing is our comparison. And I think because , we have friends that are our age and let's say someone is a little bit more successful than I am, or they're making a lot more money and, or they're married already in a , happy marriage, or [00:20:00] they already have a kid or two, you know, so.
I think that's what it was. Yeah. And then, so once I got over that, I'm now 31. don't want to say I've given up on myself. I
Angie Yu: [00:20:09] haven't,
Angela Kim: [00:20:10] but I've just like learned,
Angie Yu: [00:20:12] I've learned to just accept that
Angela Kim: [00:20:15] things are just supposed to happen the way it's supposed to happen. No, we're all I just needed to cause the remind myself that we're all on a different path, you know, and it's not like I'm stagnant. I am growing I'm improving, I'm doing things for myself. So I think that was one thing that I just kept, like I needed to just tell myself constantly. Um, yeah. And then once I hit 31, I'm like this, the same
Angie Yu: [00:20:35] shit.
Kristy Yee: [00:20:38] Once you were on the other side, like that level of. I don't know, anxiety.
I think it's anxiety.
Angela Kim: [00:20:44] It's gone.
Kristy Yee: [00:20:45] It's going to just slowly dissipate, because it's like,
Angela Kim: [00:20:48] that's what it sounds like.
Kristy Yee: [00:20:49] Yeah. Once you hit 30, 31, you're like, Oh, the world didn't explode. I didn't explode all done. It's kind of like Y2K. Do you guys remember [00:21:00] like
Angie Yu: [00:21:00] 1999?
Kristy Yee: [00:21:01] When we're all like, Oh my God is all the computers going to make the world disappear
Angela Kim: [00:21:06] when it hits
Kristy Yee: [00:21:07] 2000
Angela Kim: [00:21:07] and everyone's like, but I.
Angie Yu: [00:21:11] Wasn't
Kristy Yee: [00:21:12] here for Y2K. Oh my gosh. I remember I was scared. I was nervous. I was like nine years old at the time. , um, and my dad would be watching the
Angela Kim: [00:21:19] news,
Kristy Yee: [00:21:20] trying to see like, what's going to happen. People were hoarding
Angie Yu: [00:21:23] food.
Kristy Yee: [00:21:24] Like people went out to the grocery stores and they hoarded food, hoarded water in case we needed to.
Live in our houses for a long time.
Angie Yu: [00:21:31] Like
Kristy Yee: [00:21:36] trained
Angie Yu: [00:21:36] for this shit.
Kristy Yee: [00:21:39] And then I remember when, I don't know, nighttime. And I thought to myself, I'm like, Hey, there are countries. That have already celebrated the new year. I'm like China already finished
Angie Yu: [00:21:50] the new year
Kristy Yee: [00:21:51] They're okay. So they didn't
Angie Yu: [00:21:52] explode.
Kristy Yee: [00:21:55] And then right when, you know, we hit midnight.
It was the [00:22:00] same as any other bid night and it was fine. So anyways, mean that when we hit 30, it's going to be like a Y2K. Very
Angela Kim: [00:22:08] yeah. I mean, I have my days, right. There are days where I. I do question, , my age and, you know, I asked myself, what the fuck am I doing?
I should be this, this, this, I should be married. I have, my days don't get me wrong. So it's not like the anxiety just, goes away completely. Um, but I feel like there's just a little bit more of an acceptance. and Now, because I'm aware of why I was freaking out. I just, and like developed again, a tool to just kind of call myself down just because I'm freaking out doesn't mean that things are going to just all of a sudden just happen for me.
You know? Like I need to,
Angie Yu: [00:22:43] I can't control that.
Angela Kim: [00:22:44] Sometimes as we just forget that there are things that we can't control in life and age is one of them
Kristy Yee: [00:22:49] true that, and I think that's the, that's the realistic side. That like things are going to come up and it's, it's always a constant reminders, constantly learning and unlearning and growing.
[00:23:00] And that's part of the growth, right. It's uncomfortable. And then we sometimes fall back a little bit and we're like, no, no, no, no, no. Let's re wire that thought again, is this rational? And I think a big part of that is also because growing up, we were given this handbook. Um, this is what your life is going to look like.
You know, you go through high school, then you got to go into post-secondary, then get a good job. Then like date, this person and blah it's. It's very I don't know. Same. I don't do words cause I don't write it, but it's
Angela Kim: [00:23:30] same
Kristy Yee: [00:23:32] shit.
Angela Kim: [00:23:32] Yeah.
Kristy Yee: [00:23:34] Um, but we were taught this handbook and then all of a sudden now that we are older, older, like in our late twenties and our early thirties, and we realized, Ooh, we did teared a little bit off of the handbook and then we freak out because then there's no alternative handbook. There's just this one handbook.
So then we get confused. We get nervous, we get anxious. We start looking around. Left and right. and we see, that everyone else around us is falling in the handbook. And if I'm not following the [00:24:00] handbook, there's something fucked up about me.
Angie Yu: [00:24:01] I'm behind, you know,
Angela Kim: [00:24:03] and then
Kristy Yee: [00:24:03] now you're just fueling your own anxiety,
Angela Kim: [00:24:06] right? Yeah,
Angie Yu: [00:24:07] that's actually, that's a very good
Kristy Yee: [00:24:08] analogy. And you said, Oh, we're we are, we are
Angie Yu: [00:24:11] given this handbook at a young age. You know what that reminded me of, but so when my parents were growing up, everyone was literally given a handbook
Kristy Yee: [00:24:20] and it was called the red
Angie Yu: [00:24:21] book.
It was Mao's book. It was like those little red book , um, and had all these
Kristy Yee: [00:24:26] sayings
Angie Yu: [00:24:27] and quotes inside from Mao. And like, you have to be able to pull it out and just like. For you to quote, if somebody approached you, like if a guard approached, you was like, you know, read me a quote, whatever you just got to pull out your head, a bone, like everyone had to carry this handbook around because Mao was basically trying to recondition everyone into a more Western perspective.
And it's funny because how I learned about the story is like, my parents don't tell me this, because why would they talk about it? This was so normal for them. Right. But I learned this because I was visiting. Um, my family and me and my aunt, [00:25:00] she decided to come with me because she didn't trust that I could be by myself.
I was 22. Anyway , uh, she like came with me and we were walking down this like really , uh, those like ancient towns that are like really hipster now. And there's all these hipster coffee shops run by millennials and they're selling all this like communists malice era memorabilia. That's been reproduced and they were selling these
Angela Kim: [00:25:22] handbooks.
Angie Yu: [00:25:23] And I picked up a handbook and I started reading it. I'm like, Whoa, this is so funny. Am I ant is like, I had one , . And here am I holding it at this
Angela Kim: [00:25:31] hipster coffee shop?
Angie Yu: [00:25:33] Lolling at the handbook and it's on sale for like 10 RMB, which is the equivalent of like $2 Canadian. And she's like, yeah, we were forced to carry it around and I'm just like holding it, looking at her, looking at it, looking at her, looking at it. And I'm just like, there's just too many. There's like all this like irony and like, and like politics.
I'm like all these like stuff that's like, you know, in this moment. And I'm like, my brain cannot comprehend what is happening. But when [00:26:00] Christie was talking about this handbook, it started making me think, because those kids who are holding these handbooks didn't think that the handbooks were wrong. Because that's what everyone had this handbook.
So like in our generation, , those of us who decided, like, Hey, there's nothing wrong with this handbook. Obviously I'm not comparing our Western lives to like, you know, lives with people under communist, China, but I'm not, I'm thinking like, yeah, for those of us who are like, Hey, this handbook doesn't work for me.
I'm going to write my own handbook. And, but it's scary.
Kristy Yee: [00:26:27] Cause I'm what do we do? Like there's no direction anymore. And now we're learning that.
Angela Kim: [00:26:32] Oh,
Kristy Yee: [00:26:32] Stay in your own lane. Everybody has their own journey. we're learning these things, which is beautiful and it's great, but it's also the territory of
There's a lot of freedom in writing our own story, but there's also a lot of fear as well, because it's like, what, what, what do I do with this? What does this mean? Because before we [00:27:00] knew with like air quotes, we're going to get married by 26 and have babies by 28.
Well, now that we have this freedom and autonomy, what's going to happen when we were 35. And the unknown is always scary. And people want to know, even though the true liberation is not knowing that,
Angie Yu: [00:27:17] Oh, who's the writer now.
you know, what's funny that bridge analogy like Angela is on the other side of the bridge was like, hello, like, join me over here. This side is way bigger and you're going to be on this side way longer than you're on that side. Like come and join me over here. And Christie and I are like slowly approaching the bridge and we're like super anxious that the bird is going to fall and we're going to drown and like, yeah.
Kristy Yee: [00:27:45] So cautious. I want to go back to Angela when you were talking about how you were setting up these boundaries with your parents and you're talking about how, like, Hey, I'm, actually. Happy with where I am right now. I'm not ready to get
Angela Kim: [00:27:57] married.
Kristy Yee: [00:27:58] How did your parents [00:28:00] respond to that?
Angela Kim: [00:28:00] Not well,
So, I guess to kind of backtrack , I was always that rebellious a child. So my brothers were always by the books, they had the handbook, they followed the book to T they never, you know, Really disappointed them in any way. They're just really nice. And I love my brothers.
Like we have a really close relationship and, but I was always our child that wanted to write my own story. And I don't know why I always acted out so much.
, so when I told my parents that I was going to move out, there was like a meltdown.
and so I, I always did little things too. Kind of, I guess, disappoint them in a way. So back in, when I was in junior high, I actually have a story of a shoplifting. So like I got caught shoplifting. but it's not like I did anything majorly, you know, crazy, but to their eyes, it's like, Oh my gosh, like, whose kid are you?
[00:29:00] You know?
Angie Yu: [00:29:00] Um, they even said this to me. They're like, who? Like, I don't like. How did you, how did you just come
Angela Kim: [00:29:05] out of
Angie Yu: [00:29:06] my belly?
Angela Kim: [00:29:06] You know? And so I was so different from my brothers. So when I told them about, you know, how they need to stop telling me to get married, I had to really come from a calm place because I could get very reactive and very, like I could talk harshly to them.
Right. And I told my parents I'm like, you know why? Like, I think I told them this, I was like, I really don't want to be stuck with a person that I don't want to be with for the rest of my life. Like, you're not marrying this person. I am marrying a person. And they kept saying that it's a family business.
So it's like family marrying another family kind of. So like families have to get along. And I was like, Oh gosh, like, okay, like I get the importance. Of that, but at the same time, like I don't cause they, there was a phase in my life where they only wanted me to meet a Korean guy. I could only marry a Korean guy.
They didn't care if I met a non Asian, non Korean person, like they didn't care if he was the [00:30:00] president of the country or he was a lawyer, a doctor, they didn't care. They just wanted me to meet a Korean guy. And soon enough I realized that. A lot of , um, guys who had the Korean traditional mindset, we just didn't work.
You know, just because I don't have a traditional mindset. , uh, so they had another meltdown when I brought home a Japanese
Angie Yu: [00:30:17] car.
So I always like when a
Angela Kim: [00:30:22] gangster, like, you know, their wish
Angie Yu: [00:30:26] this, I always did the
Angela Kim: [00:30:27] opposite. If they told me to do something, I'll be like, Nope, I'm going to do this instead. And like
Angie Yu: [00:30:30] what pissed them
Angela Kim: [00:30:31] off? So I just said, you know, over time I, obviously our communication skills have improved and I don't. act out as much anymore, but I did tell them and they've come around.
So actually meeting the Japanese boyfriends. Um, now my ex, but they've actually really ended up liking him. So now they're like, you're okay. I think they've also just kind of given up. So they're like meet
Angie Yu: [00:30:52] whoever, just get married.
You said, you stopped acting out, but I don't think you were ever.
Acting out. I think it's very [00:31:00] common from our cultures. Um, and from a lot of cultures around the world for parents to put all of their definition of success on their children, Like if they have a successful children, then they are successful. You know, they're like, Oh , my son goes here or my son is a doctor, but it's like, okay, but what are you like?
Like they equate their worth with how their children are. Performing. And that's so common in a lot of East Asian cultures that if we do something that's different, it's like we're acting out even though we're just trying to be ourselves, you know? Um,
Like after I graduated, I told my mom, I want to move back to Asia for a few years to work.
And she was like, no, you can't do that. you didn't give me a reason why? Or like, when I told her I wanted to go on exchange, here is somewhere random. She was like, no, I can't tell people you're going to like, blah to study. Like, it doesn't look good at the time I completely agreed with her, but now I'm like, Oh, but that's the.
Chinese or the Korean or the whatever culture talking, because it's all about comparison, [00:32:00] which is just about face and like, et cetera, et cetera. So when we do something that's different, like you said, like we're almost disappointing our parents, but it's more like they're disappointed in themselves because they make it about them.
Angela Kim: [00:32:12] . Like,
Angie Yu: [00:32:13] when you shoplifted they're like, how could you, like, you're no daughter of mine or whatever, but it has nothing to do with them. Well, not nothing, like it's, they're projecting whatever they feel onto us.
Angela Kim: [00:32:23] It's so true. And I think to add onto that, like my parents are in a Korean church community.
Okay. And I'm the only person that doesn't go to church. So out of my family again, so I used to be heavily involved. So I was in choir for five years, like I was heavily involved. And then , uh, at one point I just, you know, I got really busy and I stopped going and because I started to just kind of lose that,
the faith or whatever it is, I don't want to get into it. But , um, so my parents would get pressured. So I like how you set up because my parents get pressure from their friends, you know, in the community. And they ask questions about me. They're like, where's your [00:33:00] daughter, you know, your sons are so great.
Like your sons are involved and they're volunteering and you know, they're very nice. And you know, they get along with everyone. They're getting married. They're successful. Like. What's your daughter doing? Oh, she moved out well she's she doesn't even live at home anymore. Or like who, like, does she even have a boyfriend?
Like what, so many questions I wrote just so
Angie Yu: [00:33:21] nosy. So
Angela Kim: [00:33:23] that's why projecting that onto me, I think as well is I think one part of it is that they don't want me to, they think that I'm going to die alone and they don't obviously that's that. So they don't want me to do that. But I think the other part is that they are, yeah.
Again, like being compared to and. Comparing. So there they are projecting that. And so that's something that I really have to tell them and be like, Hey, like I'm doing fine. Um, it's not like, , I don't have my shit together , uh, in other areas, Like I needed to keep telling them that, like, I don't want to just meet anyone.
Like, it's not about money for me. It's not about status for me. Like, I want someone [00:34:00] who's very down to earth and it's really hard to meet people these days too. And so I just told them, I'm like, it'll happen when it happens. Just like get off my back.
Kristy Yee: [00:34:07] Did you find that you have to have multiple conversations with them about
Angela Kim: [00:34:10] this.
Yes. And they still bring it up. So it's like, they bring it up less frequently, but they still bring it up. Right. Like, it's definitely , um, I used to say so every time now, no, I use a lot of different tactics. I feel like. So one time I would say I'm not going to get married forever. You know, if they were to bring it up, I'd be like, I'm not going to get married.
Or if , um, they bring up another time, I'll be like, I'm just going to marry,
Angie Yu: [00:34:37] like,
Angela Kim: [00:34:37] I dunno, like I don't care what kind of job he has. And I'll just, again, kind of opt out to kind of, I think, piss them off in a way to tell them, to make them stop asking me these questions, but that didn't work. So then I tried like silent treatment that didn't work.
So then I think one point, I just have to really tell them on a really like in a calm manner, but again, it's still getting brought up and [00:35:00] I don't think they'll ever stop until I do get married. Um, but it's like, again, another part of me that's kind of accepted that. Part as well, because they're always, they're going to be parents.
And I just accepted that, you know, they're doing it because, you know, they are worried. Or now that I understand that I could be because from the pressure from other people. Right. So, and I can't really blame that because at the end of the day, we're all human and I can't just, I can just, I can try my best to.
You know, put that boundary there, but doesn't mean that the other person's always going to follow and accept that. And we're a families. I can't just cut these people out of my life. Right. So just learning to like accept and it's been a process. So I guess we'll see.
[00:36:00]
Kristy Yee: [00:36:16] I'm going again to something that makes me uncomfortable.
Uh oh. So. In millennial culture, I'm feeling like there's a lot more acceptance of not going off of the handbook.
Angie Yu: [00:36:29] There's more not to going off of the handbook
Angela Kim: [00:36:31] of like, not
Kristy Yee: [00:36:32] following the handbook.
Angela Kim: [00:36:34] Oh, not following the handbook going off.
Angie Yu: [00:36:40] We got to.
Kristy Yee: [00:36:42] so like, you know, there's, there's a lot more of these Instagram posts, right? Um, there was a lot more support in the community. No, just even us talking right now, the three of us and for our listener to say, you know what? It's okay. You're not married by 30. You don't got kids. It's okay. Like you do you.
Right. It's all good.
Angela Kim: [00:36:59] Then we need [00:37:00] to normalize that. Right. I
Kristy Yee: [00:37:02] get
Angela Kim: [00:37:02] that.
Kristy Yee: [00:37:03] Yes. But I am still afraid to be alone. And what if one day I regret not having kids like
Angie Yu: [00:37:09] Yeah. You know, yesterday I biked over to my parents. And , um, , uh, we had dinner. It was nice.
Kristy Yee: [00:37:14] Um, my
Angie Yu: [00:37:14] mom and my dad for smoking, my dad bought these illegal cigarettes from some like random person off the streets.
Uh, so we went into this whole conversation and the only way for me to get my dad to be like, you know, obliged to what my mom is saying. Cause he doesn't really listen to my mom, but
Angela Kim: [00:37:31] he listens to me.
Angie Yu: [00:37:32] So first I had to tell my mom to calm the fuck down.
Angela Kim: [00:37:35] My mom was like raging at him and I'm like,
Angie Yu: [00:37:37] my dad's like, leave me alone.
I'm like dad, illegal cigarettes or whatever. I'm like don't support
Kristy Yee: [00:37:42] organized crime.
Angie Yu: [00:37:43] Um, because most likely the proceeds that's you're from this is going into organized crime and also, if you keep buying this, I won't let you play with your grandchildren.
That's like my, I always use that as a weapon in negotiations with my dad.
[00:38:00] our listeners. Can't see. But Christie just said, air quotes, strong air quotes. My dad is super laid back. But even then I resorted that I resorted to that even if knowing that I might never have children, that they might never have grandchildren. I was still like, use that as like, Hey, behave.
Well, or else you don't get grandchildren. Like that's like me again. That's that's me perpetuating the stereotype that as a family, we can not be happy until
Angela Kim: [00:38:34] I have kids. Yeah, that's so true, actually.
It's a funny story, because I always tell my dad the same thing so he smokes. My dad smokes a lot too. So I always say, if you don't quit smoking, you're not going to be able to come near my kids. And then the reaction that I get from every single person in the family. Oh, she says, she's going to have kids. Does that mean that you're going to have kids? I'm like, Whoa, [00:39:00] like, yeah, maybe.
I mean, like, that's just like an automatic thought. Like, I mean, it's there, it's not like I'm opposed to not having kids, but I mean, it's just, I'm saying that don't want them right now, but it's funny how, like we do say these things. Um, and like feed into the stereotype, I guess.
Kristy Yee: [00:39:14] So where I was going with this earlier was what if the handbook was right?
Angie Yu: [00:39:20] What if
Kristy Yee: [00:39:21] we should be following the handbook? What if one day I'm 40 and I didn't follow handbook and then I regret not following the handbook. And I think I'm like, this is making me really uncomfortable because I'm all for like, you know, like, like, like fuck the conformity, power to you.
I'm all about that. But,
Angela Kim: [00:39:39] but
Kristy Yee: [00:39:40] the uncomfortableness, the deep dark inside is what if you're wrong, I'm wrong. And that there was a reason why there's this handbook because it's. Supposed to be for the betterment of our lives. And I just decided to throw it away. And I think it's scary because there's not a lot of examples of [00:40:00] people who didn't follow the hemp.
I mean, there's always going to be people who didn't right. And I'm sure it's yeah. You know, everyone has their own stories, but because it's not mainstream and it's only becoming more mainstream now, especially in this millennial generation. We are going to be the examples for the next generation, but we didn't have,
Angela Kim: [00:40:21] we don't have a lot of
Kristy Yee: [00:40:22] examples in front of us to make it feel like it's okay to not follow the handbook.
Angie Yu: [00:40:27] Yeah. There's definitely a lot of
Angela Kim: [00:40:29] people who have,
Angie Yu: [00:40:31] who didn't follow the handbook like before us, but they're not like it's not so, so common.
Kristy Yee: [00:40:37] Like it's not the majority.
Angie Yu: [00:40:38] And like, there isn't anybody who is like, Oh,
Kristy Yee: [00:40:40] I regret not having
Angela Kim: [00:40:41] kids. Because
Angie Yu: [00:40:43] I chose not to go follow the handbook, you know? Cause people will usually be like, Oh, I made my decision and I accepted,
Kristy Yee: [00:40:49] but maybe they accept it because there's no other choice.
Angela Kim: [00:40:52] Yeah. So they don't regret it
Angie Yu: [00:40:53] almost like, yeah. So now it's almost like a philosophical debate. Like, , do you accept the choices you have made or [00:41:00] because having kids is also a choice and then people joke that they regret having kids. But it's usually a joke and they're like, yeah, they're lovely.
But most of the days they're fucking nightmare.
Kristy Yee: [00:41:10] I feel like every joke there's some truth behind it.
Angela Kim: [00:41:12] Oh yeah. Yeah.
Angie Yu: [00:41:14] And you know what, it probably both ways, like there's, there's shitty things to being a parent and then there's shitty things to
Kristy Yee: [00:41:19] be
Angie Yu: [00:41:19] and dying alone without any children. Like I'm sure there are.
And then there's great things about dying alone without children. And then there are great things about having children.
Kristy Yee: [00:41:27] And then I'm sure I'm sure it all depends on you, what your values are, what your wants, right. Your personnel.
Angela Kim: [00:41:33] But I I'm
Kristy Yee: [00:41:35] fucking scared. Like, I don't know. I don't know. I say I don't want kids and logically, it makes sense in my head, but I'm like, what if I turned 41 day or 45?
And then I realized that fuck, I should have followed the handbook
Angie Yu: [00:41:50] if it's because you're scared. Hmm. And I think like, I don't know about you, Angela, but I
Kristy Yee: [00:41:55] am
Angie Yu: [00:41:55] scared
Angela Kim: [00:41:56] about having kids.
Angie Yu: [00:41:57] And then I would also be scared of not having kids. So [00:42:00] either way, I'm fucking
Angela Kim: [00:42:00] scared. Me too.
I just try not to think about it. I guess I kind of like numb that maybe I shouldn't be numbing out this
Angie Yu: [00:42:07] side of the , uh,
Angela Kim: [00:42:08] the reality here and in adulting. But I think I try not to think about it too much because right now at this moment, like I can't, I don't want kids. That's a hundred percent, I don't want kids, so maybe I've just kind of put it in the back burner of all.
Think about this when the time is there, you know, when, when the time comes , um, after I meet someone and so I was just like, okay, let's meet someone first. And then I'll think about kids, but yeah, it's always a scary thought. Like we will never know , um, until, you know, when we get there, but I feel like that's anything in life though.
It's like, what a, You know what I regret if I do this and that. But I feel like from what we, all of us, you know, following our hearts at the moment of like starting the podcast, even though scary as hell, like we might've re thought that we were going to regret it, but. It's been a really amazing experience.
I'm sure you guys can agree. Um, but for me, it's like, there are [00:43:00] always going to be doubts. There are always going to be moments of like, should I do this? Should I do that? What if I did, you know, maybe I should have done that. But at the end of the day, it all just works out. I feel like. We adopt to it. And I think it's a lot about perspective too. Right. And how you choose to see things. Um,
Angie Yu: [00:43:14] It's very like damned if you do and damned if you don't either way
Kristy Yee: [00:43:18] as
Angie Yu: [00:43:18] humans we learn to
Kristy Yee: [00:43:19] adopt.
Angela we talked about, your parents and their expectations for you in your life and all the conformity, all of that shit.
Is there any shit that you. Have not been comfortable in sharing with your parents before?
Angela Kim: [00:43:46] I feel like there's so much
. Uh, I just, I don't talk to them like this. Right. Uh, I don't really. Talk about real things with them. And I don't actually know [00:44:00] how, I don't think I've actually even told my dad like, I love you.
I don't even remember the last time I said it. Maybe not like on a card or something. Um, or even to my mom, like my mom is very expressive and she always tells me, like, I love you and blah, blah, blah. And I'll be like, okay. I like, I won't even say anything about it. I'm like, okay. I get really shy and just like uncomfortable.
Yeah. I don't know if that question's a tough one because I feel that there's just so much. I don't tell them. Um, obviously my mom, like my mom follows me on my Instagram, like the why moments. And she would always be like, Is it okay. That you're sharing people's messages and like, do people even watch your stories?
Cause like sometimes I talk in front of the camera. Right. Um, and she's, she's very curious. She was like, what is this whole podcast thing about? Like, what are you talking about? And she's not that good at English. So she doesn't know exactly what's going on. Like, she kind of has an idea, but like not to the detail.
so she kind of knows I'm doing this and um, yeah, I just, I don't really, that's a tough question. I don't know what, I don't tell them. I don't tell them anything.
Kristy Yee: [00:44:58] I think the, I love you. Thing is a [00:45:00] really good point because I don't remember the last time I told my mom, I can't even say it.
Angela Kim: [00:45:07] Yeah, it's tough.
I feel like, I think the most important thing that I should have shared with them, but I didn't is when I was having. When I had my panic attack and my depression that days, because I feel like there were moments in my life where I didn't know if I was gonna be alive tomorrow. Like there were, there were times there were, you know, negative thoughts of me, like not wanting to be here.
And because if I didn't and let's say that I, you know, pulled that trigger and decided to do like, decide to harm myself , um, And not being able to share these thoughts with them is tough because they're all of a sudden, just one day gonna wake up and you know, their daughter may or may not be there anymore.
And for them to not have known that I was struggling, I think. That would have [00:46:00] if I had a kid and my kid was going through that and they decided they were going through such, you know, emotional distress of, because of whatever reason, like I told myself that I want to develop this. Close relationship with, you know, my future kids.
It's funny how I talk about future kids. Hey. And I'm like, yeah, it's all right. I'm back. I don't want to think about it anymore right now. I
Angie Yu: [00:46:22] mean , uh,
Angela Kim: [00:46:23] but anyways, I want to develop a relationship with him. Um, so they can tell me about everything, right? Because it's so common that we all have these, you know, These phases that we go through and I wish I was open about it.
And I wish I told them that I was actually, you know, really sad and not enjoying life. And , um, cause I actually don't know how they would've reacted. They might've reacted in a, in a better way than I think that they would've reacted. Um, So, yeah, that's I think the biggest thing that I should have told them that it should have been honest with them now I tell them.
So I'm like, no, I'm like , um, kind of not to the [00:47:00] detail, but I tell them like, Hey, like I asked, she saw a psychologist and then my mom, I showed my mom was like, why. Like, why do you need to see a cycle? And then I told them, I'm like, Oh, I was actually like, kind of sad, but I obviously, I think that's like all I said, I think I just said I was kind of sad.
And then she's like, well, why would you go see, why would you go see a psychologist? Like just have faith in them, God. And you know, they're very religious. And , um, so it just, you know, things like that. And I'm like, okay, well, I'm not going to talk about this anymore. So that's it. Right. So I think that's the biggest thing.
That I should have, I should be more open about even to this day, because obviously like my mom is a huge support of like the podcast and like, she's always very intrigued of what I'm doing and , um, Yeah, I think she supports it.
Angie Yu: [00:47:46] Um,
Angela Kim: [00:47:46] I guess it's just, I don't want them to think that I'm sad.
Like, I don't want them to worry about me. Right. Like I don't want them to always like, be my face. Like I, yeah. Don't want them to call me all the time. Like, I'm always like, just leave me alone. Like let [00:48:00] me
Angie Yu: [00:48:00] be , um,
Angela Kim: [00:48:00] yeah, that's not hard.
Kristy Yee: [00:48:01] I
Angie Yu: [00:48:02] relate to that a lot as well. Like one of the things my mom's
Kristy Yee: [00:48:07] adjusted
Angela Kim: [00:48:07] was like,
Angie Yu: [00:48:09] my mom knew about my depression.
She knew I was going to therapy. She knows I'm on medication. Um, she knows I'm depressed and she was like, maybe you should go to church. And I was
Angela Kim: [00:48:17] like,
Angie Yu: [00:48:18] she's like, I'm not saying forcing you to go. I'm just saying like, It's also a good way to like, I don't know, overcome that. And I'm like, Nope.
Well thank you honey, because she's agnostic. So like both my parents are very, very agnostic as fuck. So I thought it was funny that they, my mom suggested that and I feel like a lot of people do suggest religion as a, as a way to deal with mental health. And
Kristy Yee: [00:48:47] for a lot of people, you know, having a religious community really is helpful.
Yep.
Angela Kim: [00:48:53] I think I'm just
Kristy Yee: [00:48:55] making assumptions, but I think from both of your stories, like [00:49:00] both your parents were kind of. Not so raw on the whole therapy thing, but wanted to go in a different route because there's so much misunderstanding and stigma around seeing a psychiatrist or a psychologist or a counselor, or, going through therapy because I think there's a lot of shame.
Yeah. Because we mentioned face. Right. And there's also a lack of understanding of what that means, because they just think like, Oh, well we're not crazy. Right. Quote unquote, because crazy is like, yeah. And so like, why would you do that? You know, there's just so many, like why, like, why. Why do you think you need to do,
Angie Yu: [00:49:47] like, they think you should only go see a psychologist if you're like, hello.
Um,
Angela Kim: [00:49:51] they don't know any better. Right. So it's like, , I can't blame them cause they don't know anything. They probably don't know anything about how it works. Like, you know, what do you even talk [00:50:00] about? Even just like my friends.
They asked me sometimes about like my therapy sessions and they asked me, it's like, what do you talk about? What do you do when you go there? I'm like, just let them do their thing. Like you don't, you don't need to just, you don't need to have an expectation, just go and sit there and they'll do they'll lead.
You they'll guide you, you know? Um, so, and it's okay to tell them, it's like, I don't have anything to say. And they'll ask you the right questions and it'll make you think. And you're like, Oh, actually I do have a lot of shit to say , um, that's how I use your words.
Angie Yu: [00:50:31] Yup. Every time, anytime I have a therapy appointment, I'm always like, I have nothing to save this week.
I'm like, maybe I'm like, maybe I don't really meet their puppy. Like I don't need to go that often. And then I have the session and I'm like, That was really, really every single time. I always feel like I don't need it. And then I go and then I'm like, I need it. Yeah, that's me too.
Kristy Yee: [00:50:55] I had therapy this afternoon. And , um, yeah, I had no [00:51:00] updates. My previous sessions, I actually had updates because there's always something going on right in the
Angela Kim: [00:51:06] last week. And a half
Kristy Yee: [00:51:08] things have slowed down. So it felt like. I had nothing to say or like nothing worse. Oh, here's
Angie Yu: [00:51:16] the
normal.
Kristy Yee: [00:51:29] And I think that's, I don't know that that's us trying to. Recognize our we're doing that. That's part of the unlearning process. And then it's also, I think that's a sign of me. Um, I can't worry, like overcompensating almost, almost like almost like , uh, Oh my God.
Angie Yu: [00:51:50] It's almost like
Kristy Yee: [00:51:51] me being, what's the opposite of progressive regressive. Like I'm regressing. Like I'm like, Oh yeah, I don't need, I don't need this. There's I'm [00:52:00] normal. You
Angela Kim: [00:52:00] know, there's nothing exciting
Kristy Yee: [00:52:01] happening to me. Like I don't go to talk about this stuff. Yeah. And I know you've been doing a lot of
Angie Yu: [00:52:06] reading on
Angela Kim: [00:52:06] ego.
Yeah.
Kristy Yee: [00:52:08] And then, because I'm in this community of mental health advocacy, because Andrew and I do this podcast, we listened to Angela, your podcast. Then I recognize it. I'm like, Ooh, what, what
Angela Kim: [00:52:20] am I saying? Like, I can hear myself out loud right now.
Kristy Yee: [00:52:23] Let's just let me just talk
Angela Kim: [00:52:24] about stuff that's been happening
Kristy Yee: [00:52:26] and then slowly but surely things start coming up.
Right. But I can totally see how easy it is for people to think. Who are not in this space of mental health advocacy to think that, you know,
Angela Kim: [00:52:36] there's, there's
Kristy Yee: [00:52:37] nothing wrong with me and that I don't need do this.
Angie Yu: [00:52:41] And we should normalize that. You know, like you there, you don't need to have anything wrong going on in your life
Angela Kim: [00:52:46] to go to therapy.
You don't have,
Angie Yu: [00:52:48] I sought therapy before I was, no, I was already depressed, but like, I would continue going, even
Angela Kim: [00:52:55] if I'm doing well. Yep. It's
Kristy Yee: [00:52:57] basically what I'm trying to say, because it's,
Angie Yu: [00:52:58] it's helpful. It's [00:53:00] like,
Angela Kim: [00:53:00] it helps you grow.
Kristy Yee: [00:53:01] It's also like, Maintenance to you.
You go when you need extra support, right? Like if you check your tooth, you're going to fucking go to the dentist.
Angela Kim: [00:53:10] Yes.
Kristy Yee: [00:53:11] But if you didn't chip your tooth,
Angela Kim: [00:53:12] you're still going to go to the dentist.
Kristy Yee: [00:53:13] That's right.
Angie Yu: [00:53:14] Yeah, because it's for maintenance.
Angela Kim: [00:53:16] Yeah. Yes. Yes. I always tell people too. I'm like, you guys put so much effort into your physical health people go to the gym all the time, too, you know?
Take care of their physical health, whether it's the it's for aesthetics or not, but it's wise, there's so much stigma behind taking care of your mental health. Like mental health should be, should go hand in hand with physical health, mean the maintenance wise. Right. So it's just, it's just very frustrating, but I feel like, you know, obviously.
There's definitely more awareness and I feel like more people are talking about it. And , um, I feel like there's definitely still stigma, but it's, we're getting better in this society. In this generation. More people are talking about it. More people are actually seeking help
and like podcasts, like you [00:54:00] guys is a shit. We don't tell mom and will help. A lot of people open up about their mental health , um, you know, journeys and. Things that they want to talk about that they can't tell their moms or dads.
Kristy Yee: [00:54:26] we've mentioned the living room series a few times. It's where Angie and I kind of
Angela Kim: [00:54:30] rekindled.
Kristy Yee: [00:54:31] Almost. Yeah. Um, it was one of those serendipitous moments. And then that's also where we met you, Angela, since you're both moderators of the living room series, could you guys give our listeners a bit of a synopsis of what the F the living room series is?
Angela Kim: [00:54:47] Okay. A moderated, like one.
Angie Yu: [00:54:49] Okay, Angela.
Angela Kim: [00:54:53] So what little living room series is a living room series is a nonprofit organization that was created , uh, from [00:55:00] Steven and Gordon. The two co-founders. And they created this platform where, people come together, just random people coming together.
We used to have sessions in person, but now because of COVID, it's all over zoom. Um, so virtual sessions and it's about an hour and a half hour and a half. And every month we have a different topic and I personally just love. This community so much is because I never thought that there could be so many different perspectives on a same topic.
You know, I thought a lot of people just thought the same, you know, I thought we would, if there's like the topic on the attraction, like I, there were so many things that came up for that topic and I just thought, you know, attraction, Oh, physical attraction. Right. Like, that's the first thing that I would think of when I hear the topic attraction, but there were things from like, Oh my gosh , um, like attraction to food and like places attraction to like, just like gradual attraction to surface level attraction.
The five love languages came up. Like , um, just so many [00:56:00] things came up and that's why I love the community so much is that I always walk out of the sessions feeling like I've learned so much that I gained so much inspiration from other people and the podcasts. My podcast, the why moments was actually really inspired by that because I wanted to just get to know more people on a one-on-one basis.
I was getting inspired by, , not motivational speakers, but just people that I met through a community like this. So I always talk about them. Um, I'm always promoting them just because I believe strongly that everyone should be talking about the real things in life and not about, you know, Hollywood what's going on in Hollywood.
And not that there's anything wrong with it, but it's like the same thing where you meet a person and the same thing. It's like, hi, how are you? Like, my name is this. Like, this is what I do for a living. And that's all people really talk about it. It's about, you know, how did you get your job? Or, you know, I don't want to talk about this stuff, this stuff anymore.
I want to talk about the real things. And so I appreciate the community so much and yeah, that's just, I love it.
Angie Yu: [00:56:58] Yeah. And I [00:57:00] actually found that ever since we moved over to zoom , um, because we're now having people who join us from the States and
Angela Kim: [00:57:06] sometimes
Angie Yu: [00:57:07] from Asia as well, if the timing works, that the perspective has gotten even more diverse than before.
Angela Kim: [00:57:12] That's true. Yeah. And
Angie Yu: [00:57:13] I, and I really love that.
Angela Kim: [00:57:15] Definitely.
Kristy Yee: [00:57:16] And we'll link about that in the show notes too. I totally agree with you. Like when I first got inspired to wanted to start a podcast, it was through living room series as well. It was because we were talking about some vulnerable things that we normally wouldn't talk about with other people.
Yeah. We were at Safeway.
Angie Yu: [00:57:37] We went to Safeway after series. And then you don't remember.
Kristy Yee: [00:57:43] I remember it being in the chip aisle. And then I was talking to you about
Angie Yu: [00:57:46] like chips. Yeah. Well, we also talked about other things too. I told you about my friend will.
Kristy Yee: [00:57:52] Uh,
Angie Yu: [00:57:52] and then you told me about your institutionalization and I was
Kristy Yee: [00:57:56] like,
Angie Yu: [00:57:57] What I had no idea.
And I've [00:58:00] known you for so long and like, cause you might go into some deep shit
Angela Kim: [00:58:03] in the chip, like God, the chip piles
Angie Yu: [00:58:06] where it's at. And then I was like, Oh, I really want chips, but I can't buy any. And then Christie was like, like she's a dietician. So she turns around , . and she's like, Why can't you buy chips? she was like super serious And I'm like, if I have chips in the house, I will eat a whole bag. Like I have no control over that. So if I don't buy chips, then I won't eat it. And she's like, that's restrictive eating evolve.
Like she's like sometimes I just want to tell people, like, if you want to eat chips, eat your fucking chips. That's your podcast, like you're fucking chips. That should just be your podcast name eat your fucking chips where dietician Christie talks about normalizing, eating fucking chips.
And that's about transformed into
which is the emotional chips,
Kristy Yee: [00:58:54] just eat the fucking chips. Laugh. If you want to laugh
Angie Yu: [00:58:58] dance in the rain, if
Kristy Yee: [00:58:59] you want to [00:59:00] dance in the rain,
Angela Kim: [00:59:00] right?
Angie Yu: [00:59:01] Yes.
Kristy Yee: [00:59:02] Angela. and You words of wisdom?
Angela Kim: [00:59:08] Oh gosh. Words of wisdom.
Angie Yu: [00:59:11] Um,
Angela Kim: [00:59:11] I just, again, I keep repeating myself, but I love what you guys have created. And I honestly, Really appreciate everything that you guys do, every post that you guys make. Um, you're very consistent on that as well. And I know that you're very passionate. , the more we talk about this, the more we normalize things, and. , very honored to be , um, appearing on this podcast. I feel really honored and grateful.
Kristy Yee: [00:59:38] Thank you so much for being here. Where can our listeners find you?
Angela Kim: [00:59:42] You can find me on Instagram at the Y moment. And , um, my blog has also the why moments.com. That's where you can also send your stories if you want to share them. Um, yeah, I think those are the two places. Awesome.
Kristy Yee: [00:59:54] Well, thank you so much for being here telling us your stories.
Angie Yu: [00:59:57] And then we will [01:00:00] talk to our listeners in two weeks. Whatever
Kristy Yee: [01:00:02] that is.
